Thursday, January 29, 2009

Ugg Boots For Men



And once again, I beg, "Lord, rain down fire upon my brethren, for with these expensive glorified socks they know not the cringing and weeping I experience within," And if I too must be smited by the Lord and to my unending shame, am cast into the bowels of hell with his final judgement, then I say unto thee 'Grand, at least I didn't look like an arse when I died'.

Monday, January 26, 2009

......*........**




*I found this among a huge pile of notes I'd written, but I don't remember writing it. Hmmm.

**No dogs were harmed in the making of this note. As far as I remember anyway.

Bodies: The Exhibition




Oh, and the bodies did come, and they were weird and shriveled.

I attended a free preview showing of 'Bodies' in the Ambassador Theatre on Friday, courtesy of my friend Dr. Banana, which was nice because I didn't have to pay the twenty quid in and also because I'd been waiting to see this show for such a long time. I remember the original documentary on plastination from a few years ago, before Gunther von Hagens got his 'Anatomist' show on Channel 4.

The current show of course, isn't anything to do with Gunther von Hagens, and a lot of people seem disappointed by that, as if there's some genuine importance in knowing exactly who it is pumping plastic into these people you didn't know before you pay in to ogle them up. In reality, I assume it's because the man in charge here, Dr. Roy Glover, doesn't wear hats, isn't eccentric and merely has straight-laced capitalist interests here. It must be terrible for people viewing it that he doesn't even just pretend to be eccentric, so they could blame him in part for their curiosity.

As I was so excited about it, it's not surprising that I was a little underwhelmed. There were a few incredible things to see in the show, like the entire nervous system preserved in one piece and the long vitrine towards the end where a body is sliced into around 25 sections. There is also a woman who has been cut in half, the two halves placed facing each other, and her arms raised so she can high five herself, which displays her reproductive system. It's great to see that she gets such a kick out of it herself, but someone should tell her how nineties high-fiving is.

Being sold as it is on shock and controversy, when you get there and aren't shocked, you're left with quite a mundane experience. For anyone not swept away by the ethical problems encountered with this kind of exhibition it loses it's edge a bit, and just ends up feeling like a Young Scientist for necrophiliacs.

Monday, January 19, 2009

DONUT

Sunday, January 18, 2009

The All-Ireland Talent Show






I just watched an episode of RTE's glossy new tumour, 'The All-Ireland Talent Show', which is fairly predictable fare as far as talent-based reality shows go. In fact, the more RTE tries to shrink successful British and American shows down and just sellotape the same formula to an 'Irish version', the more depressing and cringeworthy they become. I'm looking forward to the 'Irish version' of Skins, which will be filmed in a skip in Carrick-on-Shannon and star George Hook and Twink as disillusioned teenagers washing down handfuls of Disprin with TK and crying about being forced to grow up too fast. Not that there's anything wrong with trying something that's been done before; if any of RTE's flagship programmes which rip off successful structures were actually BETTER than the originials, obviously there wouldn't be a problem. As it is, it feels like they're trying to entice viewers away from a three course meal with a penguin bar and half a packet of crisps.

Because 'Talent' is one of the main words in the title, there's a reel at the beginning of the show in which each slightly-forgotten/half-recognisable judge says something encouraging about the abundant 'talent' in Ireland. How we're in a country of people brimming with 'talent' and looking for that one shot at fame. Somehow, I don't think they really prove their point by ripping off every other TV show you've ever seen, but maybe they hope the content will speak for itself.

And 'Talent' is obviously a dubious term to use when the audition stages of these shows attract the inordinate stream of deluded and fame-hungry crosseyed freaks they seem to. Some of them brim with talent, some of them brim with something that might be talent, some of them brim with something that looks like it might be aggravated venereal desease, but nobody can be sure. I'm sure a panel of celebrities with rapidly-deflating careers can decide.

Usually the producer of the show can depend on the contestants to be bizarre and edit together a well-tempered freak show to keep the audience like slightly dazed goldfish. The funny thing here is that for the most part, the performers they showed in the show were really very good. They seemed so well-adjusted to the real world and had such earnest reasons for wanting to succeed that they made the judges look like weird mistakes.

A group of male tenor singers from Donegal gave a strong vocal performance, and when they'd finished one of the judges recomended they try co-ordinating their shirts. ???

But it's not all bad insight and worse insight, Grainne Seoige's in it for about a minute and while it's not really entertaining or worth watching or anything, it does give indefatigable evidence that Dana has all the charisma of a boiled shite.

Bjork and Chris Cunningham: All Is Full Of Love







When I started humming 'All Is Full Of Love' this morning, I realised how long it'd been since I'd watched Chris Cunningham's Directors Label DVD. I think it might have been the first DVD I ever bought, not really being into movies at the time (and now I'm surrounded by DVD's and none of them are near as good). I remember watching it for the first time, which was one of those experiences which blows your mind, excites you beyond belief and also makes you feel horribly inadequate all at the same time.

As much as I love the rest of his videos, the Bjork one is still my favourite. Probably because they manage to make assembly-line imagery sensual, which can't have been easy bearing in mind that this kind of imagery is usually used in a dystopian way to show how cold and mechanical the world is becoming- 'the robots are taking over', etc. The machine arms move really slowly and sensually. There's a beautiful use of flickering strip-lighting and the weird dripping liquid, and of course Bjork robots are designed with the express purpose of wearing the others face off. It's incredible how now, almost ten years after it was made, when technology has made it so much easier to do this kind of thing, it'd still be incredibly difficult to pull something like this off. The amount of design, storyboarding and the mountain of technical problems it'd bring with it....

With such a long wait as there is between Chris Cunningham projects, I actually spent time this morning looking for hidden parts or easter eggs in the DVD menu where there might be some extra material nobodies ever noticed before, but I couldn't find anything (surprisingly enough). When I watched the "Making Of All Is Full Of Love" documentary part, there was a flicker on the screen for a split-second and I hit rewind again and again, trying to pause in the right place and see what it was- expecting some Fight Club style hidden message.

It says: "This clip shows the transition through to the final head composite. The position of the eyes has been altered and the whole head slightly colour graded to match the body. Bjork's eues and mouth have had most of the colour taken out of them to match the robot".

And despite how mundane that all actually is, I still came away grinning like the Pope with the third secret of Fatima.



All Is Full Of Love:

Friday, January 16, 2009

Will Self: Design Faults In the Volvo 760 Turbo




I used to think Will Self was a bit of a smug prick who tried his best to use really obscure words unnecessarily. Case in point: I'd picked up "Design Faults..." a few years ago because I liked the cover, and although it's a very, very slim book which collects just two of his short stories, i couldn't get through the first one.

This was probably due to laziness, cos I picked it up again the other day and read the whole thing in one sitting. It's really cleverly structured, funny stuff. I noticed he uses pointed wordplay a lot in both stories, i'm not sure if this is something which is characteristic of his writing style or if it's just used here. For example- in one scene, a couple is in the park having sex in a 'copse' (a small grove) and keeping an eye out for the 'cops'.

The first story is a surreal sketch about a London psychiatrist who details his shambles of a marriage and the affair he's having, while also chronicling the problems of his car. Further use of wordplay here, he's having the affair with an ex-model name Serena, who is more 'serene' than his wife. Bill, the character in question spends his time systematically blotting out the word 'Volvo' from the cars instruction manual because it makes him think of Serena's 'vulva'. After studying Georges Bataille and his use of language and wordplay in 'Le Histoire d'Oeil', I've noticed I tend to pay attention to these smaller details and don't really brush them aside as just idiotic puns, especially if they're recurring as they are here. It's an absurdly funny piece of work, kind of like a daft satire of JG Ballard's 'Crash'.

At different stages of the story Bill is sixty feet tall, his car stretches around an entire block and the cars ashtray is analogous to Serena's mouth. As if to complement the confusing wordplay visually, there's a moment where Bill stops at a zebra crossing to let a man with black and white striped trousers cross the road.

The second story is called 'A Story For Europe', which is about an English baby who is fluent in German. I don't think I need to say any more about that one. It's a pretty interesting collection- not really long enough to be a satisfying read, but enough for me to decide he mightn't be all that bad.

I did a search on youtube to see if I could find the Will Self clip from Trigger Happy TV, but I couldn't find it. Basically they hold an official launch night for 'Self Magazine' which is supposed to be a new magazine exclusively about the work of Will Self. They get loads of celebrities including Self to turn up for a wine reception and after a speech from Dom Joly, they unveil this poster that says "If you want a magazine, make it your SELF".

Oh wordplay, wordplay, wordplay.

Bleurgghhh

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Andy Milonakis

More Work in Progress.....






Thursday, January 8, 2009

NEw SKetcheSSss




Tuesday, January 6, 2009

2009- New Year, Same Old Shit



What you fucking lookin at, fuck?